You know that feeling where you sink back into your seat frustrated and confused as Anton Ferdinand, Djimi Traore, Phil Jagielka, Eric Dier or Vincent Kompany line up a shot from 30-odd yards out. You close your eyes and tut knowing exactly what happens next. The ball goes flying high and wide before taking an age to come back down out of the crowd. Some idiot holds onto it for a few seconds and then the keeper lets it bounce off his toe when it’s thrown back so that it bobbles a few yards away. He slowly walks over to retrieve it before turning around and very carefully placing it on the six-yard line. Time to clean those boots off against the posts of course before a quick drink from the bottle he’d strategically placed in the other corner of the net. He looks for a short pass before deciding that’s far too risky and waiting another ten seconds while the defenders push upfield so he can boot it away. Off it goes and you’ve lost the aerial battle as well... Their brute of a forward is holding it up on the halfway line before a silly challenge comes in from behind and you’ve given away a free-kick too. For fucks sake.
You open your eyes prepared to see this unfold before you but instead the unthinkable has happened. Your uncultured centre-half is knee-sliding toward the corner flag and the goal has collapsed on top of the opposition keeper after the ball pulled it out of the ground. Oh yes, Kompany has smashed it in and all but won you the title.
We’ve spent this morning remembering a few more of these lovely surprises and here they are for you to enjoy.
Merseyside derby. Stoppage time. The ball drops to Captain Jags.
Have you ever seen anything quite like Anton Ferdinand on the turn in 2006?
Djimi Traoré may have won the Champions League but this is where his career really peaked.
Eric is exactly the sort of bloke you wouldn't want shooting from way out...
Mexes was mad wasn't he?
Premier League debut in a North London derby? No problem for Danny.
World Cup semi-final – Benjamin Pavard. Thank you.